The past few weeks have been a tumultuous toing and froing of emotions and conflict between my heart and head. All the while being aware of the energies and needs of the Nepali people and the whole reason I ended up staying here post earthquake.
Some will argue that thinking long term is necessary and I agree it is... But is it my journey? That is the question? Everything I left behind in Australia was structured and bound in policies and procedures and governance. To be part of creating that here in Nepal in a country that already has so many NGOs and do gooders, I just couldn't stomach it. Literally purging after carrying around this feeling of doubt and conflict for a couple of months, my heart was aware I was veering off the path I'd so vulnerably embarked upon, just months ago. Im not saying they don't have an important place here and they are doing some amazing work...I'm just referring to my own journey and what is aligned with my heart, Im much more organic and creative, its clear to me that it is not my path....For some people I am sure I am nothing but frustration, I know for my Ex husband this was definately the case, even my mother at times, Im sure has wanted to tear her hair out with how I choose to live. However for me it is the best way to keep harmony and peace within myself. If I follow others ideals and expectations I always end up burnt out and depressed, I have learnt this much.
Kali has other plans for me I am sure of it. As soon as I think I know where I am going, she rips my head off leaving me with nowhere else to go... It always happens the same way when Im sick of the conflict between my heart and head, I ask for some guidance and there she is, instantly, swiftly slicing my head off so the path is clear, the blood flows again from my heart and the path is cleared of debris. Energy goes where energy flows.
Creativity is the only way for me, when my creativity is stifled, I am stifled and sink quickly into overwhelm and the abyss. The only way to maintain energy flow is to embrace change, trust where your heart leads, to flow like water, like the river Kali Gandaki, constantly flowing and cleansing away the debris. Sometimes scary and destructive, but always creating a new pathway through the mountains. Its time to listen......
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